Carsen's Courage

I double tied my timing chip to my 5 month old aasics, strapped on my orange number, pulled on my arm warmers (yes, arm warmers are the "in" thing now for runners) and kissed my husband good luck.  We headed out of the door at 5:50 A.M.  My older brother, who is not known to have good driving skills, was making sure we got to the metrodome on time.  At one point I yelled out sternly, "We need to go West!"  My mother kindly say's, "No, we need to go North!"  And my sister who knows the area well yells,  "Go South!"  Thankfully my husband has the brains and got us to the right direction.  We made a last minute stop to the portapots and joined almost 8000 runners for the 10 mile race.  Some were doing it for fun (yes, it is fun to run) and others were doing it with family and friends.  We were running for the best little man in the world. 

Carsen. 

Our t-shirts read, "Carsen's Courage" with a grass green ribbon in the middle. 

Cerebral Palsy.  That term just makes my stomach hurt.  Literally.  It is a term that is still so confusing to me yet is surrounded in almost every thought of my day.  If I can't do anything about our situation, I might as well try to do my best for Carsen.  So, we did.

7:08 A.M-  Our corral is started.  My sister, Matt and myself all run together the first mile.  Having Katie and Matt by my side was probably one of the most comforting feelings.  We were all in this together.  My tough mother was started minutes later and pushed through every mile to finish for Carsen. 

We are 3 miles into the race with a fast pace at 7:20 min/mile.  I was training at 8:00 min/miles and was wondering when I would hit the wall.  I take in my goo that has 2x caffeine and keep pushing it.  All I can think of is Carsen.  I wonder how hard I need to push myself in order to feel the fatigue that he feels with very simple tasks.  At this point, I don't care how hard I have to push myself and how much it hurts.

Quickly, we reach mile 8.  Matt says, "I have never run this far before."  I find the breath to laugh and tell him how proud I am of him.  He reaches over and holds my hand.  The amount of peace and love I feel at this time.   Running next to my adorable husband, who can understand the amount of love that I feel for our special little man.  I tell him I love him and we take off strong.  We are literally in this race together.  Our difficult race in life only makes us stronger.

I can see the sunshine coming over our last hill.  A man yells, "This is it, your last hill, take it from here."  Adrenaline runs through my arms and I am chilled to the bone.  I have so much strength I can barely believe it.  The picture that is placed on my back is engrained in my head.  It is a picture of Carsen learning to first walk with his gait trainer.  All the attachements are on the heavy piece of metal that keeps him upright.  But, he has a sweet smile on his face.  No complaints from him.

We are at a 6:50 min/mile pace and we see the Capitol.  Below it is a huge crowd and a sign that reads "Finish.  A down hill finish. 

We see friends along the way and then spot our cheering secion.  My dad, two brothers, my sister in law(who I owe big time for capturing these pics) my brother in law, my nephews Cohen and Ethan, and Carsen, the man of the day!   (more pics here).  Their shirts read, "Carsen's Courage."  They are all here for Carsen.  Because they adore him.

Matt and I reach over the fence to give Carsen a kiss.  Matt unhooks him from his stroller, that is lifted in the air, and pulls him over the fence.

See that smile?

You see, when Matt has an idea, he takes off with it.  For weeks we disussed the rules of the race.  There is to be NO children, No strollers.  I am a rule follower and he is a rebel.  Do you think he cared? Nope!  As I am yelling at him, he takes off for the finish line.  Proud as can be.  Carsen is bouncing up and down and has the most gorgeous smile.  Happy to be running with daddy and to be a part of a huge crowd.

I am so choked up seeing how happy Carsen is, that I can hardly breath.  We cross the finish line at 1 hour 16 mins.  Four minutes faster than our goal time.  And 30 lbs of pure heaven in our arms.  Officials quickly run to our side and escort Matt and Carsen out of the transition area.  All I have to say is,  "I told him he can't do this."  Suddenly, I am being interviewed for the star tribune newspaper.  This is the result...


Man finishes race while carrying son
With a few feet remaining in the men's 10 Mile race, Matt Schmidgall, who ran next to his wife, Kelly, grabbed his 3-year-old son, Carsen, and carried him across the finish line.
The Morris, Minn., residents said they ran to honor their son, who has cerebral palsy, and raise awareness about the disease.
The gesture violated rules of the race, so Matt Schmidgall was escorted briefly off the course with his son after he finished.
"I was crying actually [when we finished]. I didn't think I'd cry," Kelly Schmidgall said. "I told my husband not to finish with [our son] because we're going to get in trouble, and he got escorted out."
Matt said he understood the risk but wasn't worried about it.
"She did [warn me], and I said that was the only reason that I was doing this race and if I got in trouble for that, I'd deal with it," he said.

Article by: Myron P. Medcalf, Star Tribune  Oct. 2, 2011

Matt, what a rebel, but geez, what a dad!  And I can't believe I told him not to.

We eventually all found eachother to get a great group shot! 

Carsen is Loved!  We are blessed!

We have made it!

As I sit here and sip my herbalife Chocolate Cafe Latte, I ponder on my past couple of weeks.  I was so consumed with life that I can't even think straight.  Driving home to find the cartridge from the bank sitting on my lap is not the thing to bring home.  Cop lights pulling me to the edge of the road, for going way too fast, after coming home from a night shift, is not the kind of thing I want to admit to my husband.  I told the nice police man, "I am sorry, I just wasn't paying attention."  I wonder if he knows the thoughts that go through a mother's brain while she is inbetween work and home life.  I know a lot of husbands have a difficult time reading our minds, let alone a cop that is protecting our town.  Anyway, thankfully I work a lot of night shifts in the ER with him, he let me off with a warning and a disappointed look on his face.  This morning I made it through the bank without bringing anything home with me, other than a deposit slip.  I made it in my garage this morning while setting my cruise to 55 mph because I refuse to dissappoint another nice police officer.  My mind is clear this morning.  Only filled with happy thoughts of my son in pre-school with no crying.  I mentioned that I felt God has left us.  I now realize that he wasn't gone for even a split second.  For one, I wasn't listening hard enough.  For two, I look back and see that he has been right along side Carsen in his gait trainer the whole time.  Placed in front of us is an amazing para-educator for Carsen.  One who is patient, gentle and loving, with a beautiful smile.  Carsen gives her the biggest smile when he approches her, then gives me a bigger smile that says, "I am okay mom, I like her."  His smile comforts my soul.  I walk away from his classroom with a peaceful smile and turn around a few times just to watch what he is doing.  He loves school.  Did I just say that?  My son, with special needs, loves school!  It feels so good to say that.  Another gift placed before us is his daycare.  I could go on and on about all the hard work his daycare provider has put into Carsen and his special set ups.  I am amazed at how the past week has gone for us.  I feel so blessed.  Even better, I am at peace.  My little boy his happy and exactly where he needs to be. 

These past few transitions have definately been our hardest yet.  I really didn't ever think things would get better.  But, they have.  I feel like we were climbing up a mountain with no top in sight.  Today, I feel like we made it to the top.  It is just more beautiful than I expected.

I run for my son

I was sitting in the most comfy leather chair while asking,  "How much do you charge?"  She responded with a giggle and a story with the chair.  I have never seen a psychologist, psychiatrist or any other mental health professional.  I am lucky enough to have a daycare provider that talks me through the hard times, the un-easy time's and the time's she doesn't completely understand my craziness.  She listen's and respond's perfectly.  This chair was smack dab in the middle of a full blow daycare.  The kids were all resting or sleeping.  My big boy was asleep. I know you don't want to read about the boo-hoo moments that I could drag on and on about.  However, I will tell you that this transition in our life has been one of the hardest.  We actually feel like God has left us.  It is one of the most lonely, helpless feelings.  I do not write this for pity, but to allow others a peak into our world.  To feel understood.  Our blog is not always about fun and games.  It is our real life, hard core to the bone.  I have been wanting to blog the past few days but knew I couldn't be positive while doing so.  But, today is the day where I have finally felt okay.  The moment I realized that God hasn't completely left us, was the moment I placed my little boy in his walker at daycare.  Carsen's new daycare mom says, "Where is the walker?"  I said, "Outside."  She said, "Bring it in and bring it upstairs."  Without hesitation, I did as she asked.  She was asking us to take our filthy walker, onto her white carpet so that Carsen could be at eye level with his new daycare friends.  So, I do as she wants and I carry the dang thing up the stairs, strap him in, and I think, "Oh my goodness!"  The crying has stopped, the kids are cheering him on, I am about in tears and his daycare mama is video recording the precious moment.  His special daycare helper, Paige, was grinning so big.  His soul was calmed and mine has forgiven the God that I thought has left.  I am amazed at the daycare placed before us, the one that God gave us.  I am amazed at the excitement on the kids faces, the kids that God gave us.  I am amazed at the content look my big boy gives me, an emotion that God gave us.  A child who cannot express his every fear, hurt or worry is calmed by his walker. 

An emotional roller coaster this has been.  I have a friend that I work with that hasn't been mentioned here before.  She will know who she is when she reads this.  She deserves to be mentioned.  We even share the same name!  Her kids are at the same daycare and she educated her kids on Carsen's situation, braces, walker and all the fun stuff it entails.  These two amazing little girls have gotten me through some hard moments while spending time at daycare to prepare for this transition.  Because of a mothers love, she takes the time to educate her children and they respond so well to him.  Last week, the most emotional week for me, she came into "my office," sat down with tears streaming down her face and said, "I want you to know you are such a good mom."  I cried tiny tears because there were not many left, and I appreciate so much her williness to learn our life and embrace us.

Stick with me here, I am almost done preaching!! :)

I want to update you on a part of our acceptace with Carsen's disability.  Come October 2nd,  Matt, myself, my mom and my sister will be running the Twin cities 10 mile race for Carsen.  We are running for him.  We have the coolest shirts to wear and for our cheer team.  The rest of our family will be on the sidelines cheering us on and showing their support for Carsen.  We are called "Team Carsen's Courage."   When I run, I hurt.  I like to push myself.  During every long run, I get a picture in my mind.  It looks like this...

When I hurt, I picture my sweet little boy, in his gait trainer.  All the attachements that no longer exist.  He has come so far but has worked so hard.  If he has to work hard, then we have to work hard.  I can only feel that physical pain, that he probably feels every day, when I push myself running.  I completed my 9 mile killer today.  It was easy to do because I ran for him.  What else do you do when life hands you a situation and there are no answers? 

I pray and I run.

For Carsen.

Practice Makes Perfect

When I was growing up, I heard, "Practice makes perfect!"  My family was always busy running from sport to sport.  Lately, I wonder how my mother ever got anything done.  Sometimes I feel as if I have the crazy schedule she had raising four busy kids.  With any sport, we had to practice.  A lot!  Now, that Carsen is transitioning into preschool, I try to reflect on what worked best for my family when I was growing up.  Our list of to do's for preschool are somewhat larger than most kids preparing for their first day.  So, we make sure we are organized and ready.  We are practicing walking from the car to Carsen's classroom.  I am learning that our worries for preschool are not the typical worries.  I am glad we have been practicing because we found out that the newly waxed floor was so slippery that Carsen could basically slide to his classroom.  With a lot of changes to his wheels on his gait trainer, I think we are ready for walking.

Carsen leaves me in the dust.  I know he is thinking, "Come on Mom!"

His new Nike Shox were a great addition to his braces and walker. 

Carsen loved watching all the people run into and out of the school.

His face says it all.  This school is huge and it is going to take a lot of practice to get around those hallways!

I never thought he would do it, but he has learned to keep his hands down on the handles and push his way forward.  I am so proud of this! 

This button is a life saver for mom's like me!  I already taught Carsen how to use it and he is great at getting the door open all by himself!

I never in my life expected him to do this well.  See the florescent lights?  Follow them ALL the way back to the door opening.  That is where Carsen's classroom is at, called Pod A.  Carsen made it from the car, across the road, to the front doors, to Pod A, then Pod B, Then Pod C, Then Pod D,  by the library and ALL the way back to the car.  Proud mama?  You better believe it!!!

Happy little preschooler ready for school?  Of course!!!

Curious Carsen loving every noise, light, child, teacher, and step in that school!

We are very excited for preschool.  Deep down I believe that Carsen is ready for this next step and so am I.  Sure, we have a lot of details that we still need to figure out but by practicing our visits at the school once a week, I feel good about just the walking part of school. 

One of the kind janitors at the school let Carsen and I see his classroom.  He opened the door and let us get comfortable in his room with no one else around.  Just the two of us.

He sat in a cute little chair and took it all in. 

Not only will Carsen be learning, but I will be too.  I am learning to put trust in God, trust in his teacher, trust in his para and to trust my instincts.  Life is hard.  We will have good days and bad days.  Most of them will be good.  Some of them will be hard.  I am learning to dig deep and focus on being the best advocate for Carsen I can be.  I pray for patience more than anything these days.  Most importantly I am thankful for Carsen's gait trainer so he is able to walk around school.  Inbetween all our differences and tears we are thankful and feel like the luckiest parents to have such an awesome little boy!  A preschooler!

Summer Beach

I can tell Summer is closing it's doors when the crop dusters are out and about...

There is something that soothes me with the sound of the plane coming and going repeatedly.

The longer I live in Smallville, MN, I want to learn more and more about farming.  It might sound strange to some of you city folk, but it is hard work, and I think they deserve to have their neighbor's understand their lingo.  I am amazed at the process of how many things need to go right in order to produce one cob of corn!

I thought Carsen would like to see the plane on the way to the beach, so I pulled over and snapped some pics.  I don't think he saw it because  I was so amazed at how they get so close to the tree line.  They disappear from the horizon and then appear again.  There is nothing cooler.  Call me a kid, it's okay!

I can tell that Summer is winding down because I crave the beach.

Carsen can sit in the waves for hours.  He loves playing in the sand, picking it up and eating it.

Carsen and Ava can play in the sand all day.  Although they hardly play next to eachother, they both enterain themselves well.  Carsen is too busy watching Jack.

This kid loves the water and has even completed a back flip!  He is so busy in the water, Carsen usually giggles at his crazy splashes!

The next day, I decided to leave the therapy time at home and head to the beach again.  I couldn't resist. 

Carsen rides his trike just about anywhere now.

Since we skipped therapy at home, I felt somewhat guilty until I snapped some pics.  Carsen loves to watch the trucks and cars drive by on the highway.

He also loves to watch the boats and jet ski's drive around and make waves.

He loves it when I take his picture!  (He really does!)

Except for when I am practicing my new skills for my photography class.

 While I watch Carsen play in the water, I sit back with a book and my iced coffee and just enjoy. 

 I just love the beach.  Lazy days.  A happy boy.  Summer.

 I think Carsen would agree.

Transition's

Transitions are hard for us.  We are preparing for some emotional transitions ahead of us.  A lot of changes.  I know I need to be better at praying about it.  I was raised to work hard.  So we do it.  We are busy working on physical transition's in Carsen's therapy right now.  Since he is getting heavier, I need to make sure he can get himself in a good position where he can do things on his own, instead of me picking him up.

We had a blast working on his transition from sitting...

to kneeling...

to standing...

Then back to scooting.  He is happiest when he is scooting.  He tolerates standing activites very well.  He likes to be up and about like the rest of us.

Transitions in life are usually never easy.  Carsen has taught me that you can't get from sitting to standing very easily with out trying hard in between.  It is the motivation and drive you have to prepare oneself for the transition.  It is the ambition and faith you have in order to keep going until that transition is complete. 

Then we celebrate!!! 

I am mentally preparing myself for a big transition for Carsen this Fall.  Preschool.  The "chair" has been brought up two times this week.  I asked Carsen's special Ed teacher, "Why is it so hard for me to think about a wheelchair?"  She said, "From the beginning we are used to teaching how to talk and walk. It feels like you are taking his walking ability away from him by using a chair.  Then she said, "We are not taking walking away, we are just going to make things easier on him in between walking."  I think it would be easier to just keep him at home with me!! :)  I would love to but I know he is going to LOVE school and the new friends he will make.  This is where courage is going to have to take place.

My courage sign was given to me when Carsen was very little from a friend of my sister's.  Her friend has a little sister with special needs and thought I needed this sign.  It is posted in our window of the therapy room to remind us how we will make it through some tough days.  It has been such a blessing to have as a positive reminder!

After therapy, we go outside and just enjoy the grass and the weather.  Carsen is so happy outside.  He is busy listening, watching and feeling. 

I have fun outside too!

Carsen is learning how to drive the lawn mower with daddy. 

 

You should see how Carsen chases after his bouncy ball.  Video will come soon.  It is quite the site!

Carsen gets strapped into his walker and bolts out of the garage and into the grass to see Matt mow.  He is getting better at walking and notice he is using his arms!!!!!!!!  He never used his hands before.  I am very happy about this.

Makes it look so easy! 

We will accomplish our transition and come up with a new transition.  It is a part of life.  We are learning to work hard and enjoy the in between.  I think Carsen is teaching me more to life than I ever thought possible.  Thank goodness for him!