Heaven

With all this Rapture talk, I am starting to wonder if the rapture is really going to happen.  Not to sound, you know, crazy.  I believe that a rapture will occur SOMEDAY, but tomorrow?  Nah! 

In the past 2 weeks I have heard many people talk about their last day on earth.  What should they do?  Running a marathon their last earthly day, eating boxes of cookies, wearing something special...it has all kind of been a joke.  My mom has been talking a lot about the rapture and we have been joking about some small things that come a long with the uncertainty. 

So, tonight I was actually wondering what would I want to do on my last day on earth.  I kind of like this life and want to enjoy so many more things on this earth.  Thinking to myself...I really am not ready to go to Heaven quite yet.  I know He knows that perfect time where we leave our precious loved ones and are placed at his right hand.  I thought earth sounded so good until I was writing a thank you email to my amazing mother.  I thanked her again for watching Carsen so I was able to have some girl time with some friends and told her I would see her tomorrow in Heaven at 6:01 P.M. in the candy isle...totally joking of course, and then stated, Carsen will be running around giving hugs.    Whoa...I know.

I thought to myself, OH MY!  That is what I think Heaven will be like.  Eating candy and watching my precious little boy run and give hugs.  How I long to see him run and how I want to feel his hugs.  I know this occurs in many mom's every day life, but this would be my idea of Heaven.  Pure JOY!

I assure you, I haven't gone nuts!!  Just realize what I have to look forward to someday! 

Carsen walking in his gait trainer last summer.

Monday Fun!

I had the day off yesterday.  That means, no work, no therapy, no plans and nothing in my calendar for Monday.  Just Carsen and I.  How lovely it was.

However, I did 3 load of towels, 4 loads of clothes, cleaned 4 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms...stuff had to get done.

Carsen loves to watch the laundry!

We did include some fun time.  We made gooey butter bars.  Sounds healthy right?



He loved cleaning the bowl out!



He approved!


And the best part of my day...we had plenty of time to work on giving kisses!! He was giving many kisses to me throughout the day.  Very sweet sloppy kisses!  Then when daddy got home, he decided he deserved one!  He loves his daddy!  Matt loves his kisses, even though they are wide open and sloppy!  To have our son show us love is one of the best gifts!!



Love!

Little Hands, Big Heart

It was my typical Wednesday work day.  Electronic Health Records day filled with building chemotherapy care plans.  Makes for a long day for Carsen when he has therapy in the morning and kids running circles around him at daycare.  I was happy and curious to see how he tolerated daycare.  I expected a crying little boy, but found him sleeping peacefully on the couch, all wrapped up in his blue blankie.  Kylie says, "Carsen's sleeping, shhhh!"  He took 2 naps at daycare which is unlike him. 

We walked into the house and he just was so sweet and cuddly.  I decided to post pone my usual Wednesday routine, plop down in the rocker and read him books.  We read 5 books and that little sweetie was sleeping before I knew it.  I cannot describe how wonderful it was to just hold him, rock him and kiss his sweet little hands while he was comforted by me.  He just needed a break and I let him have it!

As I was holding him I lifted his left hand.  This hand is so special to me.  First, I noticed that he only has one little dimple left on his middle finger.  His baby dimples are fading away and his hands are growing.  He has teeny tiny hands which makes it hard for him to pick up things his friends can pick up.  Then, I compared our hands and I am still so amazed at how identical our fingers are.  He has long, skinney fingers with the same nail shape that I have.  I gently flip his hand over to peek at his single palmar crease.  When we were getting him tested genetically, his geneticist keep mentioning how his left hand had the single line that runs across the middle of his hand.  Most of us have two lines.  Some people with genetic syndromes, like down syndrome, have the single palmar crease like Carsen has.  Did you check out your palmar creases yet?  LOL!  Matt and I did the same thing when she was explaining this to us.  She also stated that a big percentage of medical students have the single palmar crease as well so it may be nothing.  When we went to Mayo to get a second opinion, he told us those lines are formed by the way the baby moves their hands when they are in utero.  So, some kids that don't have the muscle tone to move their hand the correct way end up with that single line.  I don't know who to believe, but these are the best of the best filling my head with this stuff to think about when I hold my little boy.  I marvel at his beautiful little hands.  They are perfect.  They are Carsen's hands.  They are hands that are so weak but gaining strength.  His hands are so warm and pink.  These are the thoughts that run through my mind when I am holding him.  I am always wondering why.  Always wondering how.  Always amazed by God's gift to us.  He may have little hands but he sure has a big heart full of love and laughter.

I continue to hold him, kiss him, rock him and love him.  I am wondering if this is what Heaven feels like.  I sure hope so!

This is my attempt at taking Carsen's 3 year old pics.  It is a good pic of his adorable left hand.  His right hand is impossible to look at because those stinkin fingers are always being sucked on.  This is how he tells us he is really tired or done with what we are doing.  He started to cover up his fingers when he was little because we would pull them out.  His therapists see this look ALOT! :)

Family Time!

 This past week was so special! Uncle Ryan came to visit from California! 

In the past 5 months he has gained two new adorable nephews! We decided it was a celebration.  My other brother Mark and his beautiful wife Alissa, had us over for an amazing grilled dinner!  I didn't even get a picture of the food or the gorgeous lemon water!  The three mommies were too busy calming Carsen and enjoying holding Cohen and Ethan.   

We really didn't have to pose for this.  We found out what it is like without an extra hand.  Notice Uncle Ryan on the couch lending a hand, LOL! I wish I had a picture of his face.  I know he is wondering what happend to all his sisters!! 

Desperate Mommies to get a good pic of all 3 together!

Don't you just want to squeeze them?  I just love having little babies around!!

Ethan is 1 month old and Cohen is 5 months!!

Lussenden grandboys!  Cohen cracks me up! Ethan was so wide awake!

Aww, LOVE!

Uncle Ryan was up for a nap with Carsen!

We love when Ryan comes home to visit! What a blessing to have such a wonderful family!

Giggler!!

Carsen's Cousin, Cohen making us laugh!! Carsen wasn't in a good mood, but this is cute of Cohen anyway!

Four point!

HE DID IT!!!!!

He pushed himself up into four point ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Can you imagine the excitement?
Can you see it in my exclamation marks???  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course I didn't get a picture, but my mother as my witness, Carsen went from scooting to laying on his belly to pushing up so stinkin perfect, into four point and onto his knees.  If that doesn't make sense well....it is a task we have been working on for the last two and half years which is about 912 days.  Have you ever worked so hard on something that you spent 912 days on and then finally that task was accomplished??  It is not a miracle, it is determination from a precious little bugger.

A curious, determined little boy!  I feel like I could run a marathon I am so thrilled!

The blondie and I worked today, so the brunette watched Carsen.  She INSISTED!!  I wasn't gonna deny it either.  He got all the attention he wanted and needed!  He even got to go to Dairy Queen and eat icecream.  The only time I got to go to Dairy Queen growing up was when I was disqualified from a swim race.  They called it DQ'd from the race.  Carsen was one lucky boy.  The only thing is, I am curious as of what was in that icecream of his!  (Don't worry Amanda, it is a good thing! :)  Carsen went from crying alllllll evening last night to hyperactive happy go lucky kid.  He was so hilarious tonight that I would just stare at him scooting around in big circles, then little circles, then chasing a toy across the floor, then digging in the basket to pull out ALL of our toys and at the same time squeeling and talking Carsen talk for like 2 hours straight.  My parents and brother were entertained and I was so proud. 

What in the world got into my kid??  I think I know!  He had an amazing day!  It is so nice to see my son so happy!

Oh yeah, Carsen pushed up into four-point today!!!  I feel I have the right to brag!  :)

1000 yards and counting

Today was an exciting day!  Carsen was able to use the lite gait again at therapy!  I can not tell you how cute it is to watch him walk without our help or the help of his gait trainer.  Those long skinny legs just made me giddy.  I am sure I look like a crack mom when I watch him walk.  His PT Sharon put the TV in front of him and played an old sesame street tape so he could be distracted.  It sure helped because he walked 1000 yards in 15 mins!  That is equivalent to one 1/2 mile!  His classmates-to-be better start training because he is gonna rock that one mile run in phy ed someday!

Also, a bittersweet day because we traded in the camo braces for his new blue braces that include boy stuff like helicopters and trucks.  I am a little sad to see the old ones go.  They have put us through hours of four point, standing and walking.  Carsen's legs sure have grown and his new AFO's sure fit good!

Our early morning therapy session was a success!  Coffee time with grandma (and my best friend) at Caribou.  (Have you tried to new coconut macadamian mocha?? To die for!)  After some Cohen kisses and hugs for me, (just love this kid and I am not sure it is mutual yet, but we are working on it) we ended our afternoon with a much needed 2 hour nap.  Dreaded day gone good!  Just for your info, I was dreaming Carsen, my mom, my sister and I were taken hostage in a taxi and I tried to save the day because the two men that took us only spoke spanish.  In my dream I was speaking spanish and translating everything.  Can you imagine how fatigued my brain was after that exhausting dream!  I think that pretty much sums up how exhausted I have been lately.  (I am sure most of you that read this will think I am off my rocker!)

Matt and I are handing over Carsen to "the Grandma's" for the next 5 days and celebrating our 5 year anniversary in Colorado.  I am looking forward to 5 kid free days and spending time with my other best friend.

Also, how could I forget!  I Introduce to you my new blog! It is a blog for me!  A blog to document fun stuff, my feelings, my family and friends, food, funny stuff, etc etc etc.  Check it out!! 
http://simply-endurance.blogspot.com/

Carsen Talk

I am so excited! I think I figured out how to store, view and share my videos from my DSLR!  This was my first video upload.  Carsen likes to "talk" with his daddy!

Therapy Thursday!

My alarm rings at 5:45 A.M.  I am curious as to where the night went because I feel like I have only slept an hour.  I am realizing my late evening workouts are disturbing my sleep.  I am quite certain I burn more calories at night than during the day.  Exhaustion of an early morning brings me to my feet and ready for the day!  I have my coffee in hand (with low-fat creamer and 1 tbsp of sugar, they cancel eachother out :)  I also have Carsen's camo braces, special socks, puma shoes, vitamin water and Carsen in hand.  It is 7:01 A.M.  We drive off into the dark morning and I notice slivers of sunshine trying it's hardest to peak out from the horizon.  I have a lot on my mind this morning so I am thinking a 50 min drive is exactly what I need.  Most thoughts that drift through my mind are of Matt and Carsen.  I ponder about all the little things in my life I am so grateful for.  I feel so blessed to be Carsen's Mommy.  I know I have said that in just about every other post, but I feel so priviledged to be the mother in town who has challenges and that others can see that I am not perfect, I have difficult days and I make the best of them.  The blonde and the brunette have been so much fun to get to know.  They listen to me, grieve with me and laugh with me.  Sometimes, I hate where I live.  To be honest, I think it would be so awesome to be surrounded by other kids in the same situation as Carsen.  Lately, I am realizing that he doesn't need to be like all his friends.  These adorable little munchkin's we have running around are the BEST for Carsen.  I will have to blog more on those cuties later.  I am rambling and my brain has so much to process today.  Since I am thankful for so many people, I have to mention a few of Carsen's therapist's.  Today was a short day.  He had OT first and then PT.

Carsen's OT Chrissy, working on picking up wooden cookies.  He loves to clap them together and push them around.  He has been working on putting and object into a bucket instead of only taking the object out.  No tears with this fun activity! Chrissy is great at keeping Carsen focused and challenged!

New tasks are fun for me! As I am sure they are for Carsen.  Carsen tried out the Lite Gait today for the first time.  It allows him to use partial weight and to be supported while walking on a treadmill.  I really think he is going to improve his balance and strength with this device, so I am excited. 

Carsen's PT Tasha, is helping him maintain correct positioning.  She has been with Carsen from the start of therapy and has been awesome to work with!!

Carsen is giving me the eye, I am worried he will be able to run longer than me one of these days.  I am up for the challenge!!

Thankful days are the best.

Now, a nap with Carsen would top off our day!! 

3 years ago...

Three years ago, tonight, I was 39 weeks gestation and routinely cleaning my house until 11:00 P.M.  I was getting ready for the arrival of our first child.  Little did I know, I was nesting.  How could I not have recognized that?  Anyway, my house was spotless so nothing else really mattered.  My head hit the pillow and the first one came.  I thought, "Okay, that was totally a braxton hicks, right?"  Five minutes later, another one. 

Me: "Umm, Matt, wake up...I have had contractions for 10 mins." 

Matt:  "Are you sure?"

Me: "Ah yeah, I'm sure, these are painful!!"

So, I get up to shower and within 15 minutes I am already rocking back and forth.  (OH GOD!!!)

Needless to say, I had spent the next 8 hours rocking with pursed lip breathing in Carsen's room, watching Matt sleep on the floor. 

My Nurse Midwife and I were talking about my unusual labor about a year ago.  She said "I still don't know why you were in so much pain."  I stated that it was probably just that he was face up.  She said, "I haven't had a delivery like you had, since, and if I had, I would have quit my job." 

After 18 hours, enough was enough, I was shot and signed myself up for a C-section.  (I told them they could kill me if they wanted :)  Something just wasn't right I kept thinking!

Three years ago today, I was able to hear him cry and finally hold him in my arms...

"It's a Boy!!"

His name is Carsen Thomas. 

I hope blood doesn't bother any of you reading this.  My favorite part of this picture is Matt squeezing my hand and trying to be behind the curtain with me, but peeking to get a good look at his little boy!

Matt was so proud to hold his little buddy that he couldn't take his eyes off him.  I, of course, am so out of it that I just kept smiling for the camera.

He had the most amazing dark, soft hair.  A whole 8 lb 5 oz!

My little angel!  I am so blessed to have Carsen in my life. 

Happy 3rd Birthday Carsen!

Mommy and Daddy love you so much!