Goodbye Room!

I wasn't gonna do it.  I swore I wouldn't cry.

I told myself not to go back into the house.  But, I had to let Carsen say goodbye to just one room.

His therapy room.

We flipped the lightswitch on, and Carsen took some complicated steps to get across the large room.  He didn't want to walk, so he plopped down in the middle of the room.  I, plopped down too.  This room was so significant in our life for so many hours, days, years and moments.

I remember spending up to 3 hours straight for a couple of years in this room.  Working on perfecting our goals.  Constantly teaching hand over hand, four point, crawling, standing, side sitting, putting objects in a bucket, learning to push a button, pointing and talking.

I was overwhelmed with the amount of therapy we did together and broke down because a lot of that we never accomplished.  We worked so hard and didn't ever get them completed.  How frustrating.

We sat in the middle of the empty room.  I held him as he cuddled in close and I cried.  I told Carsen over and over how sorry I was.  How sorry I am that we never did learn to crawl, or point or walk or talk.  I am sorry that life is so hard.  My heart is so heavy.

I am so sad to leave this room.  This is where I learned unconditional patience, love, how to giggle at the small things, where I learned to care for a child with special needs, to take the small things in life and praise them, and how to be courageous.  I learned that we would get up to that room, and not accomplish what we wanted, but would try again tomorrow and the next and to be hopeful that someday we would celebrate those successes.

My most valuable lesson that I learned was this.  Even though we didn't accomplish anything big, focus on the small things.  They are the things that other people don't notice.  But, are the things I still taught him and that he worked so hard on.  He worked his little butt off and I won't allow those things to be dismissed.  Carsen learned to sit up, scoot on his butt, stand at a table, pick up a small toy in each hand, then clap them together, turn pages in a book and how to have a blast just playing around.

We leave the room with no more tears, just a few goodbyes and we walk out of the house to no further tears.

Onto new goals and hard work we go.  We will continue to have courage and keep trying.

Yesterday!

I am feeling some mommy guilt lately.  Knowing Carsen's time with me will be limited with a new sibling, is starting to dawn on me.  We have had an awesome week just spending time with each other. Carsen is doing so well at signing for "more" of a food or a toy.  I can help him sign a million times over and over but he is the one that decides when he wants to do it.  Right now, I am very proud of his decisions!  If only it could last!  Yesterday we worked on standing from a chair.  He is starting to pull himself up if he has his bed in front of him to get up.  He is very nervous doing this because we have been trying to teach him protective defenses.  This means we have to let him fall, which is so scary for him.  We are getting there....here he is just hanging out.

This phone does not get thrown around like every other toy.  He grips so tightly!!

We spent the evening at the fair!!

Carsen rather look at all the other lights and rides going on.  Sensory overload in a good way!

Carsen loved the fireworks.  We usually don't stay up late to watch them but we caught them on our way out.

Auntie will forever cut his hair, first time to a salon and he gets a bowl cut.  Carsen was happy to have a strap to play with. 

 Being a big boy going on the train all by himself.

The yearly race between these guys.  Again, who is having more fun???

There are many kids in Carsens life that just know he is special.  They just get it.  Taelyn, one of Carsen's cousins, is always such a big helper.  She takes her job seriously and always makes sure he is safe.  There is no better feeling than compassionate kids that just help protect him.  We never expect it, but when we see it, we smile and appreciate it.

Pure sweetness!

I always try to keep Matt in the back of my mind.  We deal with Carsen's needs differently.  We struggle at different times than each other and grieve Carsen's struggles at different times.  Sometimes, I am not sure how I get my strength.  Most days, I just have it.  Most day's Matt just has it.  But, those few days where we see that he isn't running from ride to ride, or able to tell us which ride is his favorite, or if he wants cotton candy or mini donuts, or ask us why questions.  I tend to ponder for a split second what that must be like for other parents.  Then I look up at Carsen and see this perfect little boy full of curiosity and life.  I quickly forget, smile and carry on with life as it is and it was intended to be.  So, thankful for the strength when that happens.  My last words to Matt before he fell asleep last night were, "thanks for being such a great dad for Carsen."  I think he fell asleep before he could respond.  Oh well, onto another day!   Loving having family time with so much going on!

Family fun!

Chaos!!

Our life has been utter chaos.  It is great!  We have so many goals to reach and it feels good to dig in and get dirty!  We decided to build another house! Uff da!  It isn't the house we intentionally wanted to build next but it will be perfect for Carsen's needs for the next year or so.  The basement was dug yesterday, then it rained for once and put the basement behind.  We are waiting for it to dry out so that we can keep moving.  With the baby coming in 7 weeks, we are anxious to get the ball rolling.

I wish I had my camera the other day, but Carsen was such a boy the other day.  We took a wagon ride to the lot and watched the excavator, dump trucks and daddy in the skid loader.  He got so much attention from the truck drivers.  A lot of waving to the wheels and horn honking was going on.   Curious Carsen just watched and giggled at the awesome site!

Our house is now empty, we are sleeping on a mattress on the floor and Carsen is playing with anything he can find around the house.  I am loving cleaning, organizing, throwing and donating all of our stuff!

Last weekend I decided to take a photoshoot of Carsen.  I am taking pictures of everyone else but him.  So, we chose the perfect day and time.  It turned out better than it looks.  This was the second weekend I tried and it ended up on a day that he wasn't feeling well.  We got some good ones anyway!

"I don't want to smile!!!!"

With a week of vacation this week, I feel like I can actually get things done around here! We have been enjoying the pool, swinging in the back yard, no daycare, corn on the cob, BLT's, baby kicks, braxton hicks, cooler nights and many goals being accomplished!  I am actually okay with utter chaos at this point.  The more we get done now, the less there needs to be done when the baby comes.  We are looking forward to holding our little boy and enjoying a new little life!