Believe

In a season of believing.  My little boy is making me believe.  In him.  His abilities.  In the past few weeks he has learned to balance.  This means he can now walk only holding onto one of my hands.  He holds my hand so tight because he finally grasped the concept that if he lets go, he will fall.  We have been working on defensive protective abilities with him for 3 ½ years!  I have heard over and over again, “He doesn’t have his protective extension.”  He was not capable of saving himself from tipping over when standing and his balance was pretty much obsolete. 

(I have a picture but my annoying internet won't allow me to upload it.)

Not today.  He has balance like never before.  I realize what this means for him.  This opens up so many more opportunities for him.  He stands at the oven and holds on to the towel rack.  He is able to pivot to the fridge and back to the oven, play with his doggie by letting go of the handle.  The look on his face is amazing because it show,  “Hey ma, look at my new skills, I am nervous so stay close but let me keep trying!”  Tears of course well up in my eyes.  I have flashbacks of all the locations I have had him walk to, hold on to, and even practice falling from to learn what happens when one lets go.  I have had a lot of guilt with the ways I have pushed him to do this task, but feel so much relief today.  Every single minute of work was worth it.  I want to go show everyone his strength.  I am more than proud.  We continue to walk around the cabin, hold onto everything in sight and learn from a whole new view.  This view is awesome!!!

Believe.  We sure do this holiday season!!

38 Weeks!

I am so excited that this will be my last picture before the baby!

The big day is Thursday!  We can hardly wait!

                             
I must say...matt is looking pretty good himself!

Happy

Carsen had his bad week last week.  Guess what that means...we get a super happy, extra goofy, giggly little boy this week.  With my last week to have just one little boy to hold, I am soaking up all the attention he is loving.  I pick him up from school and he is super excited.  He plays at home and wants me to come play with him.  I sing to him and he beams with excitement.  I push him in the swing and he deep belly laughs.  My mom started singing, "If your happy and you know it, clap your hands!"  Carsen has caught on that he needs to clap.  And claps twice, just as he should.  It is so fun to see him learn something new and show it.  I am working on getting a video on because it is darling!!

Here are a few smiles on our way to and from school.

We like these happy days!

Lasts and Firsts!

We have had a lot of lasts.  Summer has come to an end.  I usually have a hard time with that statement.  But, not this year.  The closer we get to Fall, the sooner I have my little boy in my arms.  We have spent our last day at the Benson pool...

our last night in our first home...

our last day at the Alex pool...

our last boat ride with the family, last bonfire, chicken on the grill and wake boarding boat ride.


We are now starting our firsts as well.  Living at the lake has been an adjustment but going well.


We now go for walks at the lake that are much more relaxing.  We enjoy lots of swinging.  It is quiet.  Almost so quiet, I can hardly wait for the baby to cry.

Carsen started Preschool.  I can't even express how nervous I was for this transition.  I will admit, I feel like I should have total control over how he behaves, how he walks into school, how he treats his para, how he naps and even how he eats in the big cafeteria.  I feel like I should have prepared him better.  I know I tried my best.  But I really struggled at letting go.  Letting go of the things I have no control over.    I really wish I could put my thoughts down better.  I love Carsen for who he is, but sometimes I wished I was the parent that just walked my child into school, dropped them off with a kiss and walked away with no worries.  He has so many needs and I couldn't believe I was dropping him off with people who barely knew him.  Caring people that wanted to help but were only going to learn how to care for Carsen by spending more time with him.  I wanted to make things easy for them and wanted so badly to tell them all his likes and dislikes.  But, I stayed calm, gave a quick 5 min update and walked away, praying his day would go okay.  I got a phone call at 11:00 that morning.  Carsen was screaming so hard that they couldn't settle him down.  I wasn't surprised to get this call.  I told them I would be there in 30 mins.  I drove like a crazy woman going 75 miles an hour all the way back to Morris.  I hurt so badly for him.  All he wanted to do was tell him something.  Who knows what it was.  If he could just talk.  Why does this have to be such a struggle?  I heart just broke for him.  When I got to school, his amazing para had calmed him down.  He was sleeping like a little baby in her arms.  I took him home and spend the rest of the evening trying to help him.  He screamed and screamed and wanted to just be close.  We spent the afternoon walking.  I know the neighbors here think I am ridiculous.  My belly is so far out there and I am shuffling my feet for 2 miles to get my 4 year old to calm down.  I can hardly carry him or hold him for long periods now, so the stroller is a life saver.  We sit by the lake and he is calmed by the small waves crashing on the shore.  After falling asleep in my arms, I can relax and just enjoy holding my big boy.  There isn't room on my lap anymore, so he curls in a U shape, around my belly.  He rests his head on top, like a big pillow, and his baby brother gently kicks at him.  A million thoughts run through my mind.  I am not sure how I will take care of these two precious boys when Carsen is going through his tough days.  I know I will do it, just because I have to.  But, it is beyond...beyond overwhelming to think about it.  So, I am ready for this baby to enter our world and be the little trooper he is gonna have to be.  I am so sick of thinking about it that I just want it to be here so I can finally live it, and just do something about it.  We started the countdown.  Ten days until my C-section.   I can hardly wait to see his little face.  His fingers and toes.  To hear his cry.  I can hardly wait to introduce him to his big brother.   In the midst of our very chaotic life, I continue to feel blessed.  The freezer is full of home made meals I have been stocking up on, the baby room is ready, the diapers are out and ohh so little, my help is lined up, and my belly can't stretch anymore.  Almost 38 weeks...and ready!!!

Carsen was all smiles when the day started.

He walked in like a big boy, I was so proud of him!

He loved watching the other kids walk in.

Our most important supplies.

I have to add, that when Carsen went to school on Thursday, he had an awesome day.  When I picked him up, he was super happy and giggly.  He was giggling at me on the way.  I didn't have to even do anything, so I think he was making fun of me or something.  It was so nice to see him so happy.  His para, Megan, said that the kids are really good to him and he loves having them around.  He made a bracelet and tried eating most of the beads.  He ate his mini corn dogs like they were going out of style. He was a big boy in the cafeteria.  He took an hour nap.  When I picked him up, he walked right out of school like he knew the routine.  Hoping this continues!

Goodbye Room!

I wasn't gonna do it.  I swore I wouldn't cry.

I told myself not to go back into the house.  But, I had to let Carsen say goodbye to just one room.

His therapy room.

We flipped the lightswitch on, and Carsen took some complicated steps to get across the large room.  He didn't want to walk, so he plopped down in the middle of the room.  I, plopped down too.  This room was so significant in our life for so many hours, days, years and moments.

I remember spending up to 3 hours straight for a couple of years in this room.  Working on perfecting our goals.  Constantly teaching hand over hand, four point, crawling, standing, side sitting, putting objects in a bucket, learning to push a button, pointing and talking.

I was overwhelmed with the amount of therapy we did together and broke down because a lot of that we never accomplished.  We worked so hard and didn't ever get them completed.  How frustrating.

We sat in the middle of the empty room.  I held him as he cuddled in close and I cried.  I told Carsen over and over how sorry I was.  How sorry I am that we never did learn to crawl, or point or walk or talk.  I am sorry that life is so hard.  My heart is so heavy.

I am so sad to leave this room.  This is where I learned unconditional patience, love, how to giggle at the small things, where I learned to care for a child with special needs, to take the small things in life and praise them, and how to be courageous.  I learned that we would get up to that room, and not accomplish what we wanted, but would try again tomorrow and the next and to be hopeful that someday we would celebrate those successes.

My most valuable lesson that I learned was this.  Even though we didn't accomplish anything big, focus on the small things.  They are the things that other people don't notice.  But, are the things I still taught him and that he worked so hard on.  He worked his little butt off and I won't allow those things to be dismissed.  Carsen learned to sit up, scoot on his butt, stand at a table, pick up a small toy in each hand, then clap them together, turn pages in a book and how to have a blast just playing around.

We leave the room with no more tears, just a few goodbyes and we walk out of the house to no further tears.

Onto new goals and hard work we go.  We will continue to have courage and keep trying.

Yesterday!

I am feeling some mommy guilt lately.  Knowing Carsen's time with me will be limited with a new sibling, is starting to dawn on me.  We have had an awesome week just spending time with each other. Carsen is doing so well at signing for "more" of a food or a toy.  I can help him sign a million times over and over but he is the one that decides when he wants to do it.  Right now, I am very proud of his decisions!  If only it could last!  Yesterday we worked on standing from a chair.  He is starting to pull himself up if he has his bed in front of him to get up.  He is very nervous doing this because we have been trying to teach him protective defenses.  This means we have to let him fall, which is so scary for him.  We are getting there....here he is just hanging out.

This phone does not get thrown around like every other toy.  He grips so tightly!!

We spent the evening at the fair!!

Carsen rather look at all the other lights and rides going on.  Sensory overload in a good way!

Carsen loved the fireworks.  We usually don't stay up late to watch them but we caught them on our way out.

Auntie will forever cut his hair, first time to a salon and he gets a bowl cut.  Carsen was happy to have a strap to play with. 

 Being a big boy going on the train all by himself.

The yearly race between these guys.  Again, who is having more fun???

There are many kids in Carsens life that just know he is special.  They just get it.  Taelyn, one of Carsen's cousins, is always such a big helper.  She takes her job seriously and always makes sure he is safe.  There is no better feeling than compassionate kids that just help protect him.  We never expect it, but when we see it, we smile and appreciate it.

Pure sweetness!

I always try to keep Matt in the back of my mind.  We deal with Carsen's needs differently.  We struggle at different times than each other and grieve Carsen's struggles at different times.  Sometimes, I am not sure how I get my strength.  Most days, I just have it.  Most day's Matt just has it.  But, those few days where we see that he isn't running from ride to ride, or able to tell us which ride is his favorite, or if he wants cotton candy or mini donuts, or ask us why questions.  I tend to ponder for a split second what that must be like for other parents.  Then I look up at Carsen and see this perfect little boy full of curiosity and life.  I quickly forget, smile and carry on with life as it is and it was intended to be.  So, thankful for the strength when that happens.  My last words to Matt before he fell asleep last night were, "thanks for being such a great dad for Carsen."  I think he fell asleep before he could respond.  Oh well, onto another day!   Loving having family time with so much going on!

Family fun!

Chaos!!

Our life has been utter chaos.  It is great!  We have so many goals to reach and it feels good to dig in and get dirty!  We decided to build another house! Uff da!  It isn't the house we intentionally wanted to build next but it will be perfect for Carsen's needs for the next year or so.  The basement was dug yesterday, then it rained for once and put the basement behind.  We are waiting for it to dry out so that we can keep moving.  With the baby coming in 7 weeks, we are anxious to get the ball rolling.

I wish I had my camera the other day, but Carsen was such a boy the other day.  We took a wagon ride to the lot and watched the excavator, dump trucks and daddy in the skid loader.  He got so much attention from the truck drivers.  A lot of waving to the wheels and horn honking was going on.   Curious Carsen just watched and giggled at the awesome site!

Our house is now empty, we are sleeping on a mattress on the floor and Carsen is playing with anything he can find around the house.  I am loving cleaning, organizing, throwing and donating all of our stuff!

Last weekend I decided to take a photoshoot of Carsen.  I am taking pictures of everyone else but him.  So, we chose the perfect day and time.  It turned out better than it looks.  This was the second weekend I tried and it ended up on a day that he wasn't feeling well.  We got some good ones anyway!

"I don't want to smile!!!!"

With a week of vacation this week, I feel like I can actually get things done around here! We have been enjoying the pool, swinging in the back yard, no daycare, corn on the cob, BLT's, baby kicks, braxton hicks, cooler nights and many goals being accomplished!  I am actually okay with utter chaos at this point.  The more we get done now, the less there needs to be done when the baby comes.  We are looking forward to holding our little boy and enjoying a new little life!