Lasts and Firsts!

We have had a lot of lasts.  Summer has come to an end.  I usually have a hard time with that statement.  But, not this year.  The closer we get to Fall, the sooner I have my little boy in my arms.  We have spent our last day at the Benson pool...

our last night in our first home...

our last day at the Alex pool...

our last boat ride with the family, last bonfire, chicken on the grill and wake boarding boat ride.


We are now starting our firsts as well.  Living at the lake has been an adjustment but going well.


We now go for walks at the lake that are much more relaxing.  We enjoy lots of swinging.  It is quiet.  Almost so quiet, I can hardly wait for the baby to cry.

Carsen started Preschool.  I can't even express how nervous I was for this transition.  I will admit, I feel like I should have total control over how he behaves, how he walks into school, how he treats his para, how he naps and even how he eats in the big cafeteria.  I feel like I should have prepared him better.  I know I tried my best.  But I really struggled at letting go.  Letting go of the things I have no control over.    I really wish I could put my thoughts down better.  I love Carsen for who he is, but sometimes I wished I was the parent that just walked my child into school, dropped them off with a kiss and walked away with no worries.  He has so many needs and I couldn't believe I was dropping him off with people who barely knew him.  Caring people that wanted to help but were only going to learn how to care for Carsen by spending more time with him.  I wanted to make things easy for them and wanted so badly to tell them all his likes and dislikes.  But, I stayed calm, gave a quick 5 min update and walked away, praying his day would go okay.  I got a phone call at 11:00 that morning.  Carsen was screaming so hard that they couldn't settle him down.  I wasn't surprised to get this call.  I told them I would be there in 30 mins.  I drove like a crazy woman going 75 miles an hour all the way back to Morris.  I hurt so badly for him.  All he wanted to do was tell him something.  Who knows what it was.  If he could just talk.  Why does this have to be such a struggle?  I heart just broke for him.  When I got to school, his amazing para had calmed him down.  He was sleeping like a little baby in her arms.  I took him home and spend the rest of the evening trying to help him.  He screamed and screamed and wanted to just be close.  We spent the afternoon walking.  I know the neighbors here think I am ridiculous.  My belly is so far out there and I am shuffling my feet for 2 miles to get my 4 year old to calm down.  I can hardly carry him or hold him for long periods now, so the stroller is a life saver.  We sit by the lake and he is calmed by the small waves crashing on the shore.  After falling asleep in my arms, I can relax and just enjoy holding my big boy.  There isn't room on my lap anymore, so he curls in a U shape, around my belly.  He rests his head on top, like a big pillow, and his baby brother gently kicks at him.  A million thoughts run through my mind.  I am not sure how I will take care of these two precious boys when Carsen is going through his tough days.  I know I will do it, just because I have to.  But, it is beyond...beyond overwhelming to think about it.  So, I am ready for this baby to enter our world and be the little trooper he is gonna have to be.  I am so sick of thinking about it that I just want it to be here so I can finally live it, and just do something about it.  We started the countdown.  Ten days until my C-section.   I can hardly wait to see his little face.  His fingers and toes.  To hear his cry.  I can hardly wait to introduce him to his big brother.   In the midst of our very chaotic life, I continue to feel blessed.  The freezer is full of home made meals I have been stocking up on, the baby room is ready, the diapers are out and ohh so little, my help is lined up, and my belly can't stretch anymore.  Almost 38 weeks...and ready!!!

Carsen was all smiles when the day started.

He walked in like a big boy, I was so proud of him!

He loved watching the other kids walk in.

Our most important supplies.

I have to add, that when Carsen went to school on Thursday, he had an awesome day.  When I picked him up, he was super happy and giggly.  He was giggling at me on the way.  I didn't have to even do anything, so I think he was making fun of me or something.  It was so nice to see him so happy.  His para, Megan, said that the kids are really good to him and he loves having them around.  He made a bracelet and tried eating most of the beads.  He ate his mini corn dogs like they were going out of style. He was a big boy in the cafeteria.  He took an hour nap.  When I picked him up, he walked right out of school like he knew the routine.  Hoping this continues!