We have made it!

As I sit here and sip my herbalife Chocolate Cafe Latte, I ponder on my past couple of weeks.  I was so consumed with life that I can't even think straight.  Driving home to find the cartridge from the bank sitting on my lap is not the thing to bring home.  Cop lights pulling me to the edge of the road, for going way too fast, after coming home from a night shift, is not the kind of thing I want to admit to my husband.  I told the nice police man, "I am sorry, I just wasn't paying attention."  I wonder if he knows the thoughts that go through a mother's brain while she is inbetween work and home life.  I know a lot of husbands have a difficult time reading our minds, let alone a cop that is protecting our town.  Anyway, thankfully I work a lot of night shifts in the ER with him, he let me off with a warning and a disappointed look on his face.  This morning I made it through the bank without bringing anything home with me, other than a deposit slip.  I made it in my garage this morning while setting my cruise to 55 mph because I refuse to dissappoint another nice police officer.  My mind is clear this morning.  Only filled with happy thoughts of my son in pre-school with no crying.  I mentioned that I felt God has left us.  I now realize that he wasn't gone for even a split second.  For one, I wasn't listening hard enough.  For two, I look back and see that he has been right along side Carsen in his gait trainer the whole time.  Placed in front of us is an amazing para-educator for Carsen.  One who is patient, gentle and loving, with a beautiful smile.  Carsen gives her the biggest smile when he approches her, then gives me a bigger smile that says, "I am okay mom, I like her."  His smile comforts my soul.  I walk away from his classroom with a peaceful smile and turn around a few times just to watch what he is doing.  He loves school.  Did I just say that?  My son, with special needs, loves school!  It feels so good to say that.  Another gift placed before us is his daycare.  I could go on and on about all the hard work his daycare provider has put into Carsen and his special set ups.  I am amazed at how the past week has gone for us.  I feel so blessed.  Even better, I am at peace.  My little boy his happy and exactly where he needs to be. 

These past few transitions have definately been our hardest yet.  I really didn't ever think things would get better.  But, they have.  I feel like we were climbing up a mountain with no top in sight.  Today, I feel like we made it to the top.  It is just more beautiful than I expected.

I run for my son

I was sitting in the most comfy leather chair while asking,  "How much do you charge?"  She responded with a giggle and a story with the chair.  I have never seen a psychologist, psychiatrist or any other mental health professional.  I am lucky enough to have a daycare provider that talks me through the hard times, the un-easy time's and the time's she doesn't completely understand my craziness.  She listen's and respond's perfectly.  This chair was smack dab in the middle of a full blow daycare.  The kids were all resting or sleeping.  My big boy was asleep. I know you don't want to read about the boo-hoo moments that I could drag on and on about.  However, I will tell you that this transition in our life has been one of the hardest.  We actually feel like God has left us.  It is one of the most lonely, helpless feelings.  I do not write this for pity, but to allow others a peak into our world.  To feel understood.  Our blog is not always about fun and games.  It is our real life, hard core to the bone.  I have been wanting to blog the past few days but knew I couldn't be positive while doing so.  But, today is the day where I have finally felt okay.  The moment I realized that God hasn't completely left us, was the moment I placed my little boy in his walker at daycare.  Carsen's new daycare mom says, "Where is the walker?"  I said, "Outside."  She said, "Bring it in and bring it upstairs."  Without hesitation, I did as she asked.  She was asking us to take our filthy walker, onto her white carpet so that Carsen could be at eye level with his new daycare friends.  So, I do as she wants and I carry the dang thing up the stairs, strap him in, and I think, "Oh my goodness!"  The crying has stopped, the kids are cheering him on, I am about in tears and his daycare mama is video recording the precious moment.  His special daycare helper, Paige, was grinning so big.  His soul was calmed and mine has forgiven the God that I thought has left.  I am amazed at the daycare placed before us, the one that God gave us.  I am amazed at the excitement on the kids faces, the kids that God gave us.  I am amazed at the content look my big boy gives me, an emotion that God gave us.  A child who cannot express his every fear, hurt or worry is calmed by his walker. 

An emotional roller coaster this has been.  I have a friend that I work with that hasn't been mentioned here before.  She will know who she is when she reads this.  She deserves to be mentioned.  We even share the same name!  Her kids are at the same daycare and she educated her kids on Carsen's situation, braces, walker and all the fun stuff it entails.  These two amazing little girls have gotten me through some hard moments while spending time at daycare to prepare for this transition.  Because of a mothers love, she takes the time to educate her children and they respond so well to him.  Last week, the most emotional week for me, she came into "my office," sat down with tears streaming down her face and said, "I want you to know you are such a good mom."  I cried tiny tears because there were not many left, and I appreciate so much her williness to learn our life and embrace us.

Stick with me here, I am almost done preaching!! :)

I want to update you on a part of our acceptace with Carsen's disability.  Come October 2nd,  Matt, myself, my mom and my sister will be running the Twin cities 10 mile race for Carsen.  We are running for him.  We have the coolest shirts to wear and for our cheer team.  The rest of our family will be on the sidelines cheering us on and showing their support for Carsen.  We are called "Team Carsen's Courage."   When I run, I hurt.  I like to push myself.  During every long run, I get a picture in my mind.  It looks like this...

When I hurt, I picture my sweet little boy, in his gait trainer.  All the attachements that no longer exist.  He has come so far but has worked so hard.  If he has to work hard, then we have to work hard.  I can only feel that physical pain, that he probably feels every day, when I push myself running.  I completed my 9 mile killer today.  It was easy to do because I ran for him.  What else do you do when life hands you a situation and there are no answers? 

I pray and I run.

For Carsen.

Practice Makes Perfect

When I was growing up, I heard, "Practice makes perfect!"  My family was always busy running from sport to sport.  Lately, I wonder how my mother ever got anything done.  Sometimes I feel as if I have the crazy schedule she had raising four busy kids.  With any sport, we had to practice.  A lot!  Now, that Carsen is transitioning into preschool, I try to reflect on what worked best for my family when I was growing up.  Our list of to do's for preschool are somewhat larger than most kids preparing for their first day.  So, we make sure we are organized and ready.  We are practicing walking from the car to Carsen's classroom.  I am learning that our worries for preschool are not the typical worries.  I am glad we have been practicing because we found out that the newly waxed floor was so slippery that Carsen could basically slide to his classroom.  With a lot of changes to his wheels on his gait trainer, I think we are ready for walking.

Carsen leaves me in the dust.  I know he is thinking, "Come on Mom!"

His new Nike Shox were a great addition to his braces and walker. 

Carsen loved watching all the people run into and out of the school.

His face says it all.  This school is huge and it is going to take a lot of practice to get around those hallways!

I never thought he would do it, but he has learned to keep his hands down on the handles and push his way forward.  I am so proud of this! 

This button is a life saver for mom's like me!  I already taught Carsen how to use it and he is great at getting the door open all by himself!

I never in my life expected him to do this well.  See the florescent lights?  Follow them ALL the way back to the door opening.  That is where Carsen's classroom is at, called Pod A.  Carsen made it from the car, across the road, to the front doors, to Pod A, then Pod B, Then Pod C, Then Pod D,  by the library and ALL the way back to the car.  Proud mama?  You better believe it!!!

Happy little preschooler ready for school?  Of course!!!

Curious Carsen loving every noise, light, child, teacher, and step in that school!

We are very excited for preschool.  Deep down I believe that Carsen is ready for this next step and so am I.  Sure, we have a lot of details that we still need to figure out but by practicing our visits at the school once a week, I feel good about just the walking part of school. 

One of the kind janitors at the school let Carsen and I see his classroom.  He opened the door and let us get comfortable in his room with no one else around.  Just the two of us.

He sat in a cute little chair and took it all in. 

Not only will Carsen be learning, but I will be too.  I am learning to put trust in God, trust in his teacher, trust in his para and to trust my instincts.  Life is hard.  We will have good days and bad days.  Most of them will be good.  Some of them will be hard.  I am learning to dig deep and focus on being the best advocate for Carsen I can be.  I pray for patience more than anything these days.  Most importantly I am thankful for Carsen's gait trainer so he is able to walk around school.  Inbetween all our differences and tears we are thankful and feel like the luckiest parents to have such an awesome little boy!  A preschooler!