I run for my son

I was sitting in the most comfy leather chair while asking,  "How much do you charge?"  She responded with a giggle and a story with the chair.  I have never seen a psychologist, psychiatrist or any other mental health professional.  I am lucky enough to have a daycare provider that talks me through the hard times, the un-easy time's and the time's she doesn't completely understand my craziness.  She listen's and respond's perfectly.  This chair was smack dab in the middle of a full blow daycare.  The kids were all resting or sleeping.  My big boy was asleep. I know you don't want to read about the boo-hoo moments that I could drag on and on about.  However, I will tell you that this transition in our life has been one of the hardest.  We actually feel like God has left us.  It is one of the most lonely, helpless feelings.  I do not write this for pity, but to allow others a peak into our world.  To feel understood.  Our blog is not always about fun and games.  It is our real life, hard core to the bone.  I have been wanting to blog the past few days but knew I couldn't be positive while doing so.  But, today is the day where I have finally felt okay.  The moment I realized that God hasn't completely left us, was the moment I placed my little boy in his walker at daycare.  Carsen's new daycare mom says, "Where is the walker?"  I said, "Outside."  She said, "Bring it in and bring it upstairs."  Without hesitation, I did as she asked.  She was asking us to take our filthy walker, onto her white carpet so that Carsen could be at eye level with his new daycare friends.  So, I do as she wants and I carry the dang thing up the stairs, strap him in, and I think, "Oh my goodness!"  The crying has stopped, the kids are cheering him on, I am about in tears and his daycare mama is video recording the precious moment.  His special daycare helper, Paige, was grinning so big.  His soul was calmed and mine has forgiven the God that I thought has left.  I am amazed at the daycare placed before us, the one that God gave us.  I am amazed at the excitement on the kids faces, the kids that God gave us.  I am amazed at the content look my big boy gives me, an emotion that God gave us.  A child who cannot express his every fear, hurt or worry is calmed by his walker. 

An emotional roller coaster this has been.  I have a friend that I work with that hasn't been mentioned here before.  She will know who she is when she reads this.  She deserves to be mentioned.  We even share the same name!  Her kids are at the same daycare and she educated her kids on Carsen's situation, braces, walker and all the fun stuff it entails.  These two amazing little girls have gotten me through some hard moments while spending time at daycare to prepare for this transition.  Because of a mothers love, she takes the time to educate her children and they respond so well to him.  Last week, the most emotional week for me, she came into "my office," sat down with tears streaming down her face and said, "I want you to know you are such a good mom."  I cried tiny tears because there were not many left, and I appreciate so much her williness to learn our life and embrace us.

Stick with me here, I am almost done preaching!! :)

I want to update you on a part of our acceptace with Carsen's disability.  Come October 2nd,  Matt, myself, my mom and my sister will be running the Twin cities 10 mile race for Carsen.  We are running for him.  We have the coolest shirts to wear and for our cheer team.  The rest of our family will be on the sidelines cheering us on and showing their support for Carsen.  We are called "Team Carsen's Courage."   When I run, I hurt.  I like to push myself.  During every long run, I get a picture in my mind.  It looks like this...

When I hurt, I picture my sweet little boy, in his gait trainer.  All the attachements that no longer exist.  He has come so far but has worked so hard.  If he has to work hard, then we have to work hard.  I can only feel that physical pain, that he probably feels every day, when I push myself running.  I completed my 9 mile killer today.  It was easy to do because I ran for him.  What else do you do when life hands you a situation and there are no answers? 

I pray and I run.

For Carsen.