As we wait...

As we wait for Carsen's name to be called to see his Neurologist, Dr. Burstein, we watch the patients around us.

I am not nervous for this apppointment.  We are getting used to this.  So, as we wait, we watch and listen.

I am not very good about hiding the way I watch people.  When I am in a mall, I am usually very tired but still remain to stare at people.  I like to see what they are wearing, who they are with, and wondering what their relationship is like.  I like to observe...

Same thing here... I am observing a mother who is probably my age.  She is alone.  The expression on her face is lifeless, flat and she appears pale.  It almost looked as if she was shooting a scene in a depression commercial.  Only this was her real life.  She picks her little girl up from the stroller, mixes up a bottle, holds her like a baby and feeds her.  It was hard to tell, but we were guessing she was close to 3 years of age.  As hard of a situation this mother was in, she still looked her daughter in the eyes and gave her kisses throughout her feeding.  Then had an occasional small smile for her daughter.  She would peer out of the huge windows and I could just see her mind spinning.  What do you think she is thinking about?  Do you think she would change things if she could?

Behind us is an elderly couple who are bickering about the cocoa machine.  There is this great coffee/cocoa maker that is always lined up with patients.  I guess it is our highlight of going to the clinic.  The wife states  "I can't get any cocoa out of the machine, it won't work, why won't it work?"  Going on and on and on and on.  Then they are bickering about the papers her husband lost and they can't find.  She finally finds them after a trip to the car.  The friendly receptionist has now refilled the cocoa in the machine and the couple is now content for a bit.

Another mother is with her 10 year old son.  This kid is adorable.  He appears to be athletic and thinks this is kind of embarrassing to be here.  He disappears quickly with his neurologist that is super annoying.  I thought, "I am sure glad we don't have that annoying doc!!" (I know it is mean, but it is true :) 

There are at least 25-30 people waiting for their name to be called.

I glance at my son who is being held by the most patient father.  He smiles at me and says "Isn't he cute?"  I grin and say "yeah, I'm obsessed with him."  We say this a lot about Carsen.  I stare at my adorable son and can't believe he is already due for another hair cut.  I feel so lucky to have him.

Dr. Burstein walks out the door and calls for Carsen.  It is our turn.  We grab all of our stuff and head to room number three.  He sits across from us in his fancy chair and says,  "How are you guys?"  We are honest with him.  He asks about Carsen and we tell him his new achievement's in the past 6 months.  Matt is so proud to tell him how far Carsen has come.  Our last appointment we were in tears when Dr. Burstein told us,  "Life will be hard for him." 

This time is different though.  The only thing that is different is that we are more calm and we have accepted the main reasoning of being here.  Matt says,  "you know, we sit in that waiting room, and we realize our life could be worse."  Dr. Burstein listens very patiently as always.  He is kind of like our own personal counselor, only more spendy, ha ha.  He has this way of getting into your brain.  This doctor knows all of our hurts, fears and our journey.  He knows more about us than I would like for him to be able to read.  After visiting for a while he says exactly what I needed to hear.  He said, "you guys have completely fulfulled the duties of being a parent to Carsen."  I wanted to cry, but I cry everyother time.  Instead, I smiled and said, "Thank you, that is what I needed to hear."  You see, this appointment was different, I feel like we graduated.  It is like we have been down this path with Dr. Burstein since Carsen was only 8 weeks old.  I felt like we have accomplished so many tasks.  After 3 years of wondering, "Am I doing what I am suppose to?  Am I doing too much or too little therapy?  Am I living in the right location?  Am I keeping on top of all these things that need to be done in order to raise a child with special needs?"  I don't need to wonder anymore.  He gave us some other great compliments and I was proud! 

By this time, Carsen had fallen asleep in my arms,  I kissed him on the forhead and we were out of the door.

As we approached the stairs we turned our heads to the left and saw the most beautiful little girl that I will never forget.  She was 2 1/2 years old, wearing pig tails.  She had a pink shirt on that matched her pink glasses.  She smiled up at us and I got down to her level to talk with her.  She never said a word back to me but I knew she was proud of herself when I was giving her a million compliments.  What you can't visualize is the walker she was pulling from behind her.  Funny thing is that I could see completely past the walker and she the beauty in her.  We spoke with her mom for a bit and stated she had CP .  She also has 3 siblings at home, one with a brother in a wheelchair who also has CP.  I wish Carsen would have been awake to see her.  He would have just loved her!!

As we wait...I am changed!

As we wait in the waiting room, I am finally content and at peace with our situation.  I can finally look past my fears or insecurities and see how blessed I am.  I really am the luckiest Mother.  I have not only been given the most beautiful son, I have been given a gift in life that a lot of people don't get the opportunity.  I get to see out of the eyes of a mother raising a sweet boy with special needs.  I used to see the way I was changed in a negative way.  I can finally see the good change.  Carsen has made me a better person.  I see life in a different way.  A much brighter view from my eyes!  Now I can see why God gave me Carsen!