God chooses Mom

After many discussions with my sister and psychologist (ha ha) Katie, I finally decided to jump into the discussions of My Child without limits Support Community.  This was a HUGE step for me.  I know I drive my MIL nuts with my very private personality.  I keep my secrets for a very long time and share them when I am finally comfortable with my situation.  That is why I started this blog.  I am finally ready to share my heart and beliefs with those who are wanting to learn from Carsen.  I am so happy I started my online support because I have found some amazing parents that write about questions, concerns, challenges and joys.

I feel like sharing this story below because it made my cry like a baby.  No, really...a BIG baby.  I have had many people tell me, "You know, God chose you because He knew YOU could handle it."  Why me?  I never really knew how to take that.  Yes, it made me feel better for that split second, but my mind couldn't drift away from those worries and insecurities I live with.  Guess what, I FINALLY get it! 

Thank you to Katie for encouraging me to talk about our struggles.  I am not being judged, I am being helped and cared for.  (This only took 2 1/2 years to figure out...LOL!!)  Katie spends hours, I mean multiple hours listening to me and crying with me.  Then, to my very open MIL Ruth, Thank you for showing me your secrets to handling stress...I learn more from you than you even know, scary huh? No, thank you!
Thank you to my Mom.  She is an angel!  Really...she is the reason I am happy today.  Thank you to my best friend Genie.  She listens to me, she fights for Carsen, she trys to understand over and over again what I deal with and she is patient with me for months until I snap out of it.  Most importantly, thank you Jesus!  Thank you for forgiving my sins, for I know I am not perfect.

God chooses Mom

Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments forpropagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son; patron saint, Matthew.

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; patron saint, Cecelia.

"Rudledge, Carrie; twins; patron saint.... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity.

" Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence. She'll have to teach the child to live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, there is a woman I will bless with a child who is perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations." "I will permit her to see clearly the things I see---ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

The two of us were meant to be!

Thank you everyone for reading and encouraging Carsen!

You all give me the energy to keep up the hard work!!