Little Hands, Big Heart

It was my typical Wednesday work day.  Electronic Health Records day filled with building chemotherapy care plans.  Makes for a long day for Carsen when he has therapy in the morning and kids running circles around him at daycare.  I was happy and curious to see how he tolerated daycare.  I expected a crying little boy, but found him sleeping peacefully on the couch, all wrapped up in his blue blankie.  Kylie says, "Carsen's sleeping, shhhh!"  He took 2 naps at daycare which is unlike him. 

We walked into the house and he just was so sweet and cuddly.  I decided to post pone my usual Wednesday routine, plop down in the rocker and read him books.  We read 5 books and that little sweetie was sleeping before I knew it.  I cannot describe how wonderful it was to just hold him, rock him and kiss his sweet little hands while he was comforted by me.  He just needed a break and I let him have it!

As I was holding him I lifted his left hand.  This hand is so special to me.  First, I noticed that he only has one little dimple left on his middle finger.  His baby dimples are fading away and his hands are growing.  He has teeny tiny hands which makes it hard for him to pick up things his friends can pick up.  Then, I compared our hands and I am still so amazed at how identical our fingers are.  He has long, skinney fingers with the same nail shape that I have.  I gently flip his hand over to peek at his single palmar crease.  When we were getting him tested genetically, his geneticist keep mentioning how his left hand had the single line that runs across the middle of his hand.  Most of us have two lines.  Some people with genetic syndromes, like down syndrome, have the single palmar crease like Carsen has.  Did you check out your palmar creases yet?  LOL!  Matt and I did the same thing when she was explaining this to us.  She also stated that a big percentage of medical students have the single palmar crease as well so it may be nothing.  When we went to Mayo to get a second opinion, he told us those lines are formed by the way the baby moves their hands when they are in utero.  So, some kids that don't have the muscle tone to move their hand the correct way end up with that single line.  I don't know who to believe, but these are the best of the best filling my head with this stuff to think about when I hold my little boy.  I marvel at his beautiful little hands.  They are perfect.  They are Carsen's hands.  They are hands that are so weak but gaining strength.  His hands are so warm and pink.  These are the thoughts that run through my mind when I am holding him.  I am always wondering why.  Always wondering how.  Always amazed by God's gift to us.  He may have little hands but he sure has a big heart full of love and laughter.

I continue to hold him, kiss him, rock him and love him.  I am wondering if this is what Heaven feels like.  I sure hope so!

This is my attempt at taking Carsen's 3 year old pics.  It is a good pic of his adorable left hand.  His right hand is impossible to look at because those stinkin fingers are always being sucked on.  This is how he tells us he is really tired or done with what we are doing.  He started to cover up his fingers when he was little because we would pull them out.  His therapists see this look ALOT! :)