Days like these.

His eyes open and close over and over again.  He is making sure I am still close by.  A true finger sucker at bed time and for calming.  Although, breathing is difficult when he has a cold and sucks his fingers.   He figures out quickly that air exchange doesn't occur when his fingers are in his mouth.  So, he holds my hand.   His tiny hand, long fingers, grasp my palm for comfort and he gently closes his eyes.  How vulnerable he is, especially when he is sick.  What is it about being a mom that makes me want to feel needed.  I need and want that love back in return so badly.

As his eyelashes are heavy and hit his face, he is fast asleep with gentle breathing.  The sound machine is playing waves.  (How fitting for a nautical theme room)  His humidifier lets out a warm mist.  Just when I think I couldn't be happier, the baby kicks!  Just when I think life can't be more complete, more perfect, I am reminded by another little miracle in my life.  I keep my eyes shut.  I so badly have been craving this maternal feeling for so long. 

God has a plan they say.  Sarcastically, I want to say, "Oh really, how do you know?"  I have struggled and still struggle with the idea of God purposely giving me a child that can't talk or walk.  I believe God wouldn't plan to cause me so much pain.  My heart still has heart breaking moments.  Carsens preschool class lines up at the end of the day.  They all run to their mom's screaming, "Mommy, Mommy!!!"  My boy never comes and never says a word.  I stand there with a smile on my face as they pass by me.  The other parents have no idea what that feels like.  But, they have no idea what it feels like to walk up to Carsen and have his sweet para holding him up, allowing him to walk with assist, as I am greeted with a huge grin and giddy little boy.  Our joy is so different.  What I do believe is that God has carried me.  He has said to me,  "Things will be hard, things will be torture for you, but I am here and you are not alone."  He wants to bring me happiness and contentment.  That he has done.  I am on the other side of the torture chamber.   Because of Carsen, I am changed for the better by choice.  When struggles face me, I see one option, figure out how to get over it and move on.

That is exactly what I am doing.  Since 15 weeks I have felt baby #2 move everyday.  But, only when I am holding Carsen.  The pressure of holding Carsen on my belly is just enough to feel those little legs kick.  I feel so much peace at that time.  Tonight, as sweet Carsen was laying across my belly, the baby's little legs were kicking more than ever.  I sit there with a grin on my face and take it all in.  I wonder what life will be like with two kids.  The typical things that all moms go through and the untypical things that moms with special needs children go through.   We will face both of them.  It will be so worth it.  

As I tucked Carsen into his bed, I kiss his forehead, tell him that I love him, and shut the door behind me.  I thank God for days like these.